A Model to Improve Interactions

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A Model to Improve Interactions

Several years ago I went to a presentation based on a book called Non Violent Communication. The class taught about using the method within the marriage and it was great to feel hope that our communication could improve. I went right out and bought the book (older edition is $3 on Amazon right now… well worth it!). I was excited to use it beyond my marriage because it gave me a framework for communicating during tough situations, something I’m not naturally talented at. Learning about this approach made me feel empowered and more confident.

That’s important. Just because you’re not naturally good at something, doesn’t mean you can’t learn. It doesn’t mean you’re stuck with what you have… you can acquire new tools, new skills, and new approaches. It may take some work and you’ll likely make mistakes along the way, but if you persevere you will get further than you imagined.

This applies to personal development. It isn’t clean, easy, or natural to try and personally grow and change. It might seem pointless and unrewarding, until that day when someone you respect says they notice how you’ve changed (and they mean it in a positive way!). It is way more gratifying than someone noticing you’ve lost some weight… the scale confirms that. When someone externally validates your personal growth and development and basically says, “you’ve become a better person”, you’ll realize it is all worth it.

Which means that the work we’ve been doing to learn about and understand our personalities needs to be applied. You will have to try new things, go into new places, have different conversations, and put yourself in uncomfortable positions in order to see how you can apply new knowledge. Typically, that will expose areas where you’re lacking understanding, open up new questions, and prompt you to go back and learn more. It should be an iterative process.
I want to share a very brief outline of the Non Violent Communication (NVC) method I mentioned and sprinkle in some aspects of what we’ve been talking about with personality types. NVC is a useful model when there is conflict, but can be applied in many situations to avoid conflict or make interactions more positive.

Make an observation
The first step in NVC is to make an observation. Don’t listen to your brain, which is making all sorts of deductions and running scenarios on how to react to a situation. Stop and observe.

It will be helpful to tap into your internal self-awareness. Typically, people can quickly notice (and criticize) behavior in others that they don’t like about themselves. As you learn about yourself, you will develop more self-compassion, which will help you be more compassionate toward others, and make observations (rather than evaluations) more natural.

External self-awareness can be valuable, too… did you say or do something that the other person is reacting to? Are there extenuating circumstances? Is there a history of interaction patterns that need to be examined?

When you force yourself to make observations, it gives you a chance to incorporate some of that self-awareness into the process. In general, you want to observe, not evaluate, the things that are impacting you. Once you do that, you may decide you don’t even need to go past this point. But, let’s assume you do.

Share a feeling
The second step in the NVC process is to share a feeling you have based on your observation. This was challenging for me, not in the stereotypical male “talking about my feelings is hard” thing. Talking about my feelings is hard because I don’t have a very rich language for them. Luckily, there are lists to help us emotionally-challenged folk improve our feelings language. See the feelings list here: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

Some of the work you did learning about your personality type may come in to play here. Your personality may be sensitized to certain feelings, or be prone to react when you feel a certain way. Expressing how you feel is important because you aren’t blaming others, but being vulnerable with yourself.

State a need
Talk about being vulnerable… now it gets a little deeper. No one wants to be needy, but the next step in the NVC process is to express a need. If you’re wondering what needs look like, you can find a list here: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory. When you express a need to someone, it allows them to have empathy and understanding.

Again, understanding our personality is valuable and it is useful to consider our needs independent of any interaction. Sit down with the list of needs and see if you can identify some of your core needs. Then, think about situations where you’re getting needs met, and situations where you aren’t getting needs met. How do you feel about those situations respectively? What can you learn about yourself? Make a requestThe last step in the NVC process is to make a request of the other person. This needs to be specific and clear, so that they can respond and act. Remember, you’ve just stated your need, and they want to meet your needs, but they don’t know how to do it. This should be a positive request and must be a request, not a demand.

Putting it all together
Here is a simple example of this look like.

I noticed that you look at Facebook during dinner. When that happens, I feel distant and detached from you because I need intimacy and closeness. Would you be willing to put the phone away during our dinner time?

Isn’t that better then, “Can you please put that phone away while we’re eating?!?”

I realize that’s a simple scenario, but often when our needs aren’t met we can tend to react in anger or hurt. Then, we lash out or pull back and get resentful. What NVC did for me was to provide a structure so that I could handle my reactions in a more healthy manner. I want my communication to be helpful in building relationships, not tearing them down. I don’t always get it right; in fact, usually I don’t. But, the effort and intent count for a lot.

Thanks for being here. Next month starts a new theme, so stay tuned. Now, go make Monday awesome!

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