I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them.  ~ George H. W. Bush

Strong Opinions Weakly Held
Early in my wine enthusiast journey I wrote a post sharing my views on Pinot Noir, which were naive and inexperienced (http://shiftfocus.net/pinot-noir/). Not only did a few of my readers doubt my ability to ever appreciate wine, my opinion radically changed (Pinot Noir is one of my favorites) as I ventured further into wine.  

I kind of hope the same will happen with the topic of mentoring. I’ve seen a lot of instances at work, in church, clubs, and in schools, where mentoring programs have been launched and lauded as great things. But, they often fall short and can sometimes do more damage than good. I’m a bit cynical.

The Pitfalls
Here are some of the things that I’ve seen go wrong with a mentoring relationship, especially when it is part of a program.

• The mentee has high expectations for this great mentoring program they’ve enrolled in. But, they aren’t explicit expectations and so they rarely get met.
• There are personalities at play, and sometimes the two people don’t gel. However, neither want to state that, and the implied dependency makes life awkward, at best.
• Mentors may have the skills, but aren’t able to teach or guide others sufficiently; they need a different type of training. Hence, they feel insecure and unsuccessful.
• Mentoring is set up, but never happens because neither party knows how to proceed.

Some Ideas to Make Mentoring Better
If you find yourself in a mentor program, here are some ideas to make it a better experience.

For the mentor

• Set some reasonable goals that you can support. Discuss them with your mentee so they know what to expect.
• Know yourself and your strengths. Provide mentoring in areas of strength only.
• Be a connector. For areas you aren’t strong at, find someone who is and connect your mentee with them. You don’t have to do it all.
• Regularly check in and make sure things are going well. If you feel the mentoring period has run its course, let your mentee know you’re available, but you’ll be checking in less and make sure it is okay with them. Don’t assume.

Good leaders don’t exist without good followers; and, good mentors don’t exist without good mentees. If you are a mentee, there are things you can do to increase the chance of a positive experience.

• Own your journey. Remember the mentor is there to enhance the experience, not be the experience. 
• Ask questions and get to know your mentor, their history, what things were like when they were at your stage, major events, and things like that. This will help you know what kinds of things they are best equipped to help you out with. 
• Audit yourself and recognize any assumptions or unstated expectations you have. Then, keep them in check. 
• Value the relationship more than the exchange of information. Some relationships will develop, some won’t… that is the nature of relationships. Mentoring is still a relationship, not a transaction.

For both parties, the best thing you can do is have an attitude of appreciation. Consider it an honor when someone wants to learn skills or knowledge from you. You should also highly value someone taking time out of their day to give you instruction or information. If there is an attitude of appreciation, mentoring will be positive regardless of how well it is done.

Give Credit to People, not Programs
I’m going to get on my soapbox and state a pet peeve that I hope you consider. I’ve seen good mentor relationships work out because it was a good match. Based on that positive experience, the organization thought their mentoring program was wonderful, and told everyone that. This only served to raise the already high expectations for everyone in the program, but then they don’t get met. 

My request: If you have a positive mentoring experience, talk about the people and the specific things they did to make it successful. Don’t attribute it to the program itself. If you give credit to people, not programs, you will likely be part of the case study that changes my opinion on mentoring. 

I’m off my soapbox now. I’d love to hear any stories you have about mentoring, either good or bad. Of course, you don’t need a mentor to make Monday awesome. Just a simple Sunday and a glass of Pinot Noir! Cheers!